Redefining Success

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By Anita Manley

If you’d asked me a week ago if I thought I was successful, I would have laughed out loud. Of course I’m not successful: I don’t have a career, a salary, a title. (My career was derailed years ago due to severe and persistent mental illness.) How could I even fathom the idea? Surely this is how most people measure success, isn’t it?

Then, I read Gloria Vanderbilt’s words at the age of 91, when writing to her son, in the book The Rainbow Comes and Goes by Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt (pgs. 280-281):

“Of course what you must come to terms with, what we all must define, is what success means for each of us. Money, fame, praise from co-workers, career advancement? Are these your definitions of success? They are for many people. But I believe there are many kinds of success: happiness with one’s work, the feeling that you are making an important contribution, helping people in one way or another, creating something that speaks to you or to others, loving someone who loves you, creating honest relationships, giving of yourself to someone and getting something back.”

“It is very easy simply to define yourself by your job, your title, your salary, but these rarely give you long-term feelings of success and happiness.”

…”All these benchmarks by which people define success: money, power, fame, Instagram likes, followers on Twitter– they are meaningless. They aren’t real. Money can give you independence, but once you start chasing it, there will never be enough. No amount will make you feel whole or safe.”

Now, I do realize that Gloria came from a very privileged background and did not have to worry about having enough money. I certainly recognize that people require a basic income to survive and provide for themselves and their families. This is another topic altogether.

After reading Gloria’s words, I started redefining my idea of success:

  1. I’m very happy with the volunteer work that I do: facilitating groups for women with mental illness and or addictions (like me) and helping them along their road to recovery.
  2. I feel as though I’m making an important contribution through my facilitating and fundraising. As well as, mental health advocacy and writing this blog.
  3. I am helping people, especially women and youth.
  4. I love my husband, my daughters, family and friends and they love me in return.
  5. I have created many honest relationships.
  6. I give support and get it back tenfold.

    By all of these definitions, now I actually feel successful. I’m grateful for all that I’ve accomplished. Thank you, Gloria!

    How do you define success? I’d be interested in hearing your comments.
How do you define success?

Setting Personal Boundaries

By Anita Manley

It is always so important to have healthy relationships where clear boundaries are set. Firstly, know yourself, your limits, your values and morals — these are the cornerstones to setting boundaries. Boundaries are also about self-esteem. Knowing when to say NO, or ENOUGH! Or even before that point… saying what you will or will not do.

This time of year can be very stressful with family gatherings, work functions and parties with friends. Often, the pressures are greater because we feel obliged to say yes to everything in order not to make waves. Whether it is saying yes to a party that we really do not want to go to, or saying yes to a family member just because you know there will “be hell to pay if you say NO”. But it is so important around this time of year and always, to set clear limits and boundaries in order to have happy and healthy relationships. If your boundaries are repeatedly not respected, then perhaps it is time to rid yourself of that relationship — or turn a close friendship into an acquaintance that you see only occasionally. If it is a family member you can distance yourself from that person and not commit to doing any favours for them, for example.

If possible, it is important to start setting boundaries early on in the relationship — whether it is raising children, a budding friendship or a blossoming romantic relationship. Remember, it is never too late to start implementing personal boundaries and to show some self-respect.

Not long ago, I had the very difficult task of setting clear boundaries with someone very dear to me. There was some really negative and abusive language used towards me and I just put my foot down and said I would not accept that kind of language or disrespect. If you want me to help you do X,Y,Z, then you will have to show me more appreciation, respect, and stop the abusive language. Very soon afterwards (and after some self-reflection on their part), it worked, and our relationship has been much more solid and mutually respectful ever since.

I remember someone saying to me once: you teach people how to treat you. That is why self-esteem is so important. Someone with high self-esteem will expect to be treated with respect and will set clear boundaries with everyone in their circle.

I have many examples in my life of how setting boundaries is paramount to developing healthy relationships. I will not share them with you, however, to protect the innocent! I will say, though: it is so important to do it as individuals and equally important to develop a united front as parents or partners. Do not be afraid to say no, or I will do this but not that. Or give specific time limits that you will be available for. Be clear and concise with your expectations and limitations. And stick to them. Do not waver. Be firm.

”Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” —BrenĂ© Brown

So if your relationships are not as happy or healthy as you would like them to be, start setting clear personal boundaries. You are worth it!

STOP! Enough!