About anitamanley

Mother to millennials. Woman with lived experience of mental illness and homelessness. Peer Facilitator/Patient Advisor/Public Speaker/Mental Health Advocate. #FACES19

Positive Self-Talk

Posted on September 30, 2019 by anitamanley

By Anita Manley

Many years ago, I was in a training session with my colleagues at work and I was getting really frustrated as I thought I wasn’t picking up what was being taught as quickly as I thought I should. I was expressing some of my frustrations out loud and the trainer noted, “Wow, that’s a lot of negative self-talk going on in your head”. I had never thought about it before, but her statement really gave me pause. From that point on I tried really hard to change my negative thoughts to positive ones.

I have heard that negative thoughts and feelings travel through the brain more quickly than positive ones. So, it takes a lot of effort to change your thinking to positive ones.

My natural inner dialogue at the time was “I will never pick this up”, “This is too hard”, “I am not smart enough”. Little did I know that all this negative self-talk was causing more stress in my life. Something I really did not need as stress is a big trigger to my mental illness.

Soon, I started changing my thoughts to positive ones, beginning with my inner dialogue, or positive self-talk. I would say to myself, “today is going to be a good day”, “With lots of practice I will become great at this”, “I’ll give it another try” or “I’ll try to make it work”.

According to The Mayo Clinic, the health benefits of positive thinking are many:

Increased life span
Lower rates of depression
Lower levels of distress
Greater resistance to the common cold
Better psychological and physical well-being
Better cardiovascular health and reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease
Better coping skills during hardships and times of stress

It is unclear why people who engage in positive thinking experience these health benefits. One theory is that having a positive outlook enables you to cope better with stressful situations, which reduces the harmful health effects of stress on your body.

So, work hard at changing those negative thoughts to positive ones. Talk to yourself as though you were your own best friend. Praise yourself, give compliments, be kind to yourself. Your body and mind will benefit from it.

Nurture your mind and body with positive self=talk.

Book Recommendation – The Four Agreements

Posted on September 23, 2019 by anitamanley

By Anita Manley

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a small but hugely insightful self-help book. This book provided me with four simple guidelines to personal freedom. Yes, they are simply laid out and very clear, but these four agreements have taken me years to put into action and will take many more years to master. It is a book you will want to have in your own home library, and read over and over again.

The Four Agreements (as outlined on the inner book jacket) are:

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best , and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Not surprisingly, the agreement that helped me the most when I first read this book, was Always Do Your Best. I was gifted this book in 2005 by two different friends. One was for my 40th birthday. It was very timely as I was quite ill, experiencing delusions frequently throughout every day for years. I was also quite the perfectionist in my younger years, so I really struggled with many events that were happening in my life at that time, such as being laid off from work, and losing access to my daughter (my oldest daughter had decided to go live with her father full-time – a crushing blow to my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth). All of this was due to my illness, but I did not understand that at the time. The agreement, of always doing your best and that your best will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick, really resonated with me. I soon realized, I was always doing my best, but that changed from day to day. At times, my best was to simply get out of bed and get dressed. That was my best. On other days I could accomplish so much more. But as a result of this agreement, I did not beat myself up for those days when I really was unwell, and could barely function. I knew that I was truly doing my best and that my best changed depending on my wellness. I still remind myself of this even today, as delusions occasionally creep back into my reality. I could have many regrets about those lost years I experienced when I was homeless and estranged from everyone, but this book saved me from self-judgment and regret. As a result, I am a much happier person.

I am still working on all four agreements, practicing, re-reading and hopefully, one day before I leave this planet, I will have mastered them all.

Making your bed… and other routines.

Posted on September 16, 2019 by anitamanley

Routines are so important to me that I consider them a part of my self-care.

A few years ago, when I had been recently discharged from The Royal Ottawa Mental Health Care Centre and was very happily living in my new home – my daily routine was very different than it is now.

It all started with making my bed! Each morning, I would get up, make my bed, get dressed, have breakfast and get out of the apartment by 10 am. At this early stage of recovery, I did not have any friends (sadly, this often happens after a prolonged period of mental illness or addiction where you become estranged from everyone important to you). My only supporters were my then 16 year old daughter, Julia, and my Assertive Community Treatment Team (ACTT) from The Royal. I am a people person, and a pretty friendly kind of lady, so, in order to meet people, I would go to the same coffee shop every day. Soon the baristas all knew my name, or at least recognized my face as a regular and would remember my order. I would also meet other regulars who would go to read the paper or work on their computers or just meet with other friends and chat. The coffee shop became my Cheers, the place like on TV where everyone knows your name.

Soon after, I started facilitating a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) group and a group I co-created, Journaling as a Wellness Tool, for women. I would share my routine in these groups and link it to my own wellness.

Often, I would be asked: “Why is it important to you to make your bed?“

Making my bed, set me up for success every day. It was the first thing I did each morning and I could then check it off my list. It would give me a sense of pride and satisfaction. Not to mention, my Mom would be pleased since she raised me to make my bed every day! After this task was done, I could move on to other things, like getting dressed and so on. Also, when I came home later in the day, I would walk into my apartment and immediately see that my bed was neatly made and I would again feel good about having accomplished that task. My bed was made and I had made it! Kind of like in the nursery rhyme Little Jack Horner, “Oh what a good boy am I” That same feeling of pride.

Today, my routine is very different (including regular going to bed and wake up times), but the importance of making the bed in the morning remains.

If you don’t already make your bed every morning – challenge yourself to start this healthy routine. It will set you up for a successful day! Besides, there is nothing like getting into a neatly made bed at night to go to sleep. For me, the only thing that beats that is a bed made with freshly laundered sheets (which happens around our place once a week).

Who inspires me?

Posted on September 10, 2019 by anitamanley

Since launching this blog, several people have asked me “What made you decide to write a blog?”

For many years, I had been toying with the idea. I journal regularly, and the thought of writing a blog appealed to me. After all, I enjoyed writing. But, I had my doubts that anyone would be interested in what I had to say.

In 2013, my cousin, Michele, introduced me to her blog http://www.modmissy.com, which is all about design. I was inspired, but didn’t take action. Later in 2018, my knitting friend advertised her blog, http://www.DrGailBeck.com. Again, I thought, I should really do this.

But it wasn’t until I met the amazingly vivacious and talented Onika Dainty (one of my fellow FACES for Mental Illness with the Canadian Alliance on Mental Illness and Mental Health (CAMIMH) sponsored by Bell Let’s Talk) that I finally took the plunge. I was so inspired by Onika’s ambition to broadcast a weekly podcast about mental health and wellness http://www.daintydysh.com that I immediately set the goal of publishing a blog about mental health.

My good friend, Marian Gaucher http://www.MarianGaucherFineArt.com challenged me to set a date for publishing and also frequency. So I decided on Mondays, once a week.

Since its recent launch in August, I have been cheered on by my many friends and readers. I have discovered that I love blogging. It helps me while helping others, at the same time.

The courageous Susan Blain, Sory Teller, Inspiration Seeker, Change Whisperer http://www.susanblain.com inspired me to write this post.

Also, kudos to my fellow knitting friend, Juliet Haynes, for inspiring me to create healthy daily habits that help me to achieve my goal of publishing this blog weekly.

It takes a village. And it is not lost on me that all people mentioned in this blog are other women. We raise each other up!

Building stronger connections…

Posted on September 2, 2019 by anitamanley

Written by Anita Manley

Within the past year, I attended a Family Support Group at The Royal in Ottawa that covered the topic of validation. Although this communication skill was not new to me, the session reminded me to use validation as an effective communication skill more often when communicating with my loved ones and peers.

Validation (as defined by dictionary.com) is: recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

Seems simple enough, doesn’t it?… but how often did I want to offer advice on an issue instead; or not even meaning to – be judgmental? Or even worse, minimize the person’s feelings by beginning a sentence with “At least”. More often than I’d care to admit!

After sitting in on this seminar, I’d try to catch myself every time I was communicating with my loved ones and peers. Instead, I really listened to their concerns, without judgment or offering advice. I would say, “Wow, you seem really frustrated, stressed and angry”. Connecting with their emotions. Everyone needs to know that their feelings are normal and reasonable in the situation.

By validating people’s feelings, I found that they opened up to me more. They would want to engage further. In the case of my daughter, Julia (24), she would carve out more time in her very busy schedule to spend time with me. If your goal is to develop a closer relationship with people, then validation is key.

In this seminar, it was also emphasized that you do not have to agree with someone’s opinions or choices to acknowledge their emotions are valid. For example, a person does not have to agree or buy into the delusions someone is having in order to validate their feelings.

In hindsight, I really wish that people in my life had practised validation when I was in the depths of psychosis. Instead of connecting with the emotions I may have been feeling, they argued with me: “What you are saying is not true/real. You cannot be trusted. You are paranoid.” If instead they had said “Wow, you must feel stressed (vulnerable, spied-on, or exposed)” upon revealing to them that I believed there were cameras in my home and car; perhaps I wouldn’t have felt so alienated from everyone in my life. After all, how would you feel if you truly believed there were cameras in your home watching and listening to everything 24/7?

I know that by using validation as a communication skill, all of my relationships are much stronger, especially with my daughter, Julia. Since January, we have been meeting one day a week for lunch and we both enjoy connecting regularly.

It’s not perfect by any means, but the effort has paid off. Sometimes I slip into offering advice, but I always try to deliver the messages: I believe in you! and – You Matter! – through validation.

Mother’s Day brunch in Montreal with Julia. May, 2019

Mother’s Day in Montreal with Julia. May, 2019

Gratitude for bird poop!

Posted on August 26, 2019 by anitamanley

As mentioned in my first post – it is so important to find something to be grateful for in every experience. However, it is not always easy to do this!

Last Saturday, I drove to the store to pick up two bunches of flowers. One for a very good friend who is recovering from pneumonia, and the other as a hostess gift for a summer party we were to attend that evening. I also wanted to pick up a replacement bottle of wine to return to our dear friend and neighbour, who so generously saved us on Friday by loaning us a chilled bottle of white to attend a potluck and bocce game at another friends’ home. My husband, Ron, had been running late and we didn’t have time to stop for wine – so the loan was timely and very much appreciated.

I parked our car in the parking lot of the grocery and liquor stores, noting to myself what another beautiful warm, sunny day we’re having. I ran into these stores to pick up three items, and returned to the car – less than 15 minutes later, only to find not one – but three large and disgusting splats of bird poop on the car! Two on the windshield and one huge one on the driver’s side window.

For an instant, I was furious. Then, I thought, ho-lee – isn’t this supposed to be lucky?

I arrive home with goods in hand, place the flowers in a vase of water then I Google it:

“Bird poop brings good luck! There is a belief that if a bird poops on you, your car, or your property, you may receive good luck and riches. The more birds involved, the richer you’ll be! So next time a bird poops on you, remember that it’s a good thing.“

I’m thinking 3 poops = 3 birds (I’m an optimist) = lots of good luck! Perhaps a lifetime or at least 3 months!

I relate the story to Ron, who laughs heartily (he doesn’t believe in old wives’ tales) but immediately offers to clean the poop off the windows. Now that is good luck!

While driving to my friend’s house with flowers in hand, Ron ponders the question “I wonder how long the statute of limitations is on bird poop?”

I have so many things to be grateful for in this situation:

I have an abundance of friends who care for me and I care for them.
I have more social events than I can keep track of as the summer nears an end.
I have a car for the bird to poop on – rather than pooping on me!
Good luck has bestowed me for hopefully a lifetime – but at least long enough to have Ron lovingly clean the poop off the car windows!

The Importance of Self-Care

Posted on August 19, 2019 by anitamanley

Written by Anita Manley

I wouldn’t be where I am today – living a life in recovery from a severe and persistent mental illness – if I did not choose to take action for my own good, every day.

Self-care is meant to restore your energy and to make you the best version of yourself. It is so important to take at least half an hour every single day to do something good for yourself – to add fuel to your fire.

There are many forms of self-care and it is imperative that you opt for something that you love doing.

Here are Forty Favorites of mine to help inspire you to refuel daily:

Say no and be OK with it. Setting clear boundaries is healthy and essential.
Unplug! Technology has us frazzled – unplug for an hour daily – especially before bedtime.
Enjoy a cup of tea.
Read a book, or peruse a used book store or library.
Go to the movies/a play/a musical.
Knit or do other crafts (scrap-booking/ crochet/ sewing etc.)
Journal. Get your thoughts down on paper to free your mind.
Garden. I live in an apartment, but I have a lovely balcony garden which includes fresh herbs and tomatoes.
Give yourself a manicure/pedicure.
Take a beautiful photograph.
Exercise. In addition to walking 10,000 steps per day, my doctor says 30 mins x 5 times per week. Get heart rate up to 120. I’m trying!
Go for a nature walk/ bird watch/ feed the birds.
Take a refreshing bath/ shower.
Prepare and eat a healthy meal while listening to relaxing music.
Play an instrument.
Sing!
Dance!
Write a letter to an elderly relative… or anyone.
Go to the hairdresser.
Go shopping.
Do a crossword/ Sudoku/ puzzle.
Have a nap.
Chat with a friend.
Reassess you friendships. Purge toxic relationships.
Do a good deed every day! It makes you feel good too.
Spend time with your pet or pet a cat/ dog while out on a walk.
Practice daily meditation.
Listen to your favorite music.
Donate things you no longer need/ use.
Declutter/ tidy up.
Hydrate – drink lots of water.
Write daily gratitudes.
Practice positive self-talk.
Laugh with gusto and often!
Spend time with your children/ grandchildren/ nieces/ nephews and get to know them well.
Take a ride on a bus and get off and explore new areas of town.
Go to a museum or art gallery.
Go for a bike ride and pack a picnic.
Kayak, canoe, swim, go to the beach.
Cuddle on the couch with your loved one(s).

There are so many other nourishing things you can do – this is just a start to help you feel inspired to make daily self-care a priority in your life every single day.

Give it a try! Start making self-care a priority! You’ll be glad you did.

Practicing an Attitude of Gratitude

Posted on August 10, 2019 by anitamanley

Just over a decade ago – due to mental illness – I lost everything that I held close to my heart: communication with my two teen aged daughters, my entire family, all of my friends, I lost my job, my cat, my housing and eventually all of my possessions, including my car. Some would say that it was as if aliens came in and took over my identity as well.

Prior to losing everything, as things were beginning to unravel, a good friend of mine advised me to write a gratitude journal – “list 3 things you are grateful for, every night before going to bed.” WOW! What a challenge, I thought. I could only write about one thing per day. I had a cup of tea, I entered into my journal. I had a long, hot bath, the next night. At that time, my two daughters were living with their Dad full-time and I could only see them while in the presence of a social worker with the Children’s Aid Society – once a week, for a couple of hours. I missed them terribly and I felt lost being unable to fulfill my Mom role. I was sad, angry and very lonely – dwelling upon my losses.

However, starting this practice of a gratitude journal set me up with a resiliency and positive frame of mind that has served me well ever since.

While living in a women’s shelter, I was tremendously grateful to have a roof above my head, thankful for the amazing meals they served every day, the fashionable clothes I received, the bed I laid in, the sewing machine to alter second hand clothes, the brand new shoes I was given, and the list goes on. While living in my car, I was grateful for my car! I appreciated The Well for providing me with a place to watch TV, shower and sleep during the day and for other women to socialize with.

I realized that no matter how much I was struggling, there was always someone else who was struggling even more. There was always something to be grateful for. And if you think of all of the little things, you will find that indeed there are always many things to be grateful for.

I still to this day practice and attitude of gratitude and I credit this practice for my happiness and feelings of abundance despite my many losses. By recognizing the numerous things we do have in life and not focusing on our setbacks or losses, we can feel more satisfied, fulfilled and happier!

Even among the greatest difficulties in life – you can always find things for which you are truly grateful.

Try it! Start writing a gratitude journal before going to bed – Jot down 3 different entries every night. It will grow on you!

Mighty M0use for Mental Health

Mental Health is Health

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